After a long day, I needed a little cheering up so thought I should listen to some experts talk about how to find happiness. Check out this speaker on TED.
TED: Ideas worth spreading
TED gives millions of knowledge-seekers around the globe direct access to the world’s thought leaders.Barry Schwartz is a sociology professor at Swarthmore and author of The Paradox of Choice. In this talk, he persuasively explains how and why the abundance of choice in modern society is actually making us miserable.
Part of the reason for starting this blog is because I am confused by all my choices in the world. My thoughts whirl around all sorts of choices. Should I be a stay-at-home mom? Should I have a career and put my kids in full-time daycare? Should I try to be a part-time home-based-business and stay-at-home mom with part-time care? What will I want to do after the kids are in school? Should I go into business with a family member? Should I live here or there? Should I take a few years off to travel? Should I exercise more and how? What should I make for dinner? What school should I put my kids in? Should I focus on learning french? and on and on with the endless choices until my head hurts. Barry Schwartz was talking about this exact conundrum that is making us more miserable not happier.
The idea of too many choices made me think about how I am bringing up my daughter. I always give her choices. I was taught this technique from friends and books. Instead of telling her what to do, I always offer her a choice, so that she feels that she is in control of the situation hopefully reducing temper tantrums.
So for example I will ask her, “would you like to brush your teeth before or after your bath?, do you want broccoli or green beans for dinner?, would you like to wear the yellow or the blue t-shirt?”
Now I wonder if giving her so many choices is always in her best interest? Perhaps this gives her too much responsibility even if they sometimes are mundane choices? Maybe she sometimes feels confused? Maybe she should not be the expert of everything? I should be the one making the choices for her sometimes?
I know my mother thinks we give our daughter too many choices. I do not think she realized at first the “trick” of offering 2 choices that are basically the same? However, my daughter does not realize this yet either, so maybe it can cause undo stress?
My mom also mentioned that I often ask my daughter what she is going to do next. My mom thinks this is teaching her that she always has to be doing something. I do this so she knows that she has something to do while I am doing something else. But my mom’s point is that I force her to make another choice to be doing “something”. She does not always have to be doing something specific. It would be okay if she just sat there and daydreamed once in a while.
One day, I was having fun with my daughter at the playground and it was getting time to go. I always try to give a warning before we leave. Just like I give a warning before I give her a time-out for bad behaviour, I give her a warning when we need to change what we are doing. If it is time to go, I will let her know ahead of time. Then I will count down the last few minutes for her so it is not unexpected and she has a warning. I find that way she does not freak out when it is time to go.
I know we are raising our children differently than the previous generation. We have decided to do things differently because we are trying to make improvements on the way we were raised. We are also sharing more between each other through friends, books, and the internet on what is the best way to do things. But what will this future generation be like because of the independence we are giving them so early on?
A good friend said to me, “we expect our kids to be independent so early on. Then we are surprised when they want to have sex at 12 years old!” Wow! that comment really haunted me. That certainly is not what I want but I can certainly see what she is saying. My daughter is strong-willed and says what she does and doesn’t want to do. Even just a generation ago, a child was a good child if they were a silent child. But most of the young children I know certainly are not silent anymore.
What do you think about giving our kids too many choices and early independence?
